The day began physically painful with my injury. Manageable, thankful for the massage and sauna I had the night before. And so I sit at 6:30 in the morning for our meditation, lasting for an hour, each day. No amount of blankets can ease the discomfort for sitting an hour. The itch to fidget is overwhelming, and I succumbed to that itch. Finding the right spot, lasting for some minutes.
Discomfort… isn’t this part of my practice? A sutra I unconditionally allow myself and my class to engage then settle in. Yoga is finding the comfort in the discomfort – Sthira Sukham Asanam – and here I am… fidgeting. Awesome.
Then our mantras began, chanting… and I found myself swaying to the rhythm, realization hitting me, having memorized one of the mantras. I smiled and continued my swaying, relieving the discomfort happening from my injury… I found the right sweet spot! And tears began flowing from my closed eyes. I got confused with the tears – Relief? Sadness? We all have issues in our lives, and I dare not say I am the only one feeling this moment in the class. But now is not the time to think what others are feeling, or whether they’re peering through half closed lids who are simply ‘into’ it… I want to get to know my tears…
The rest of the day was a toss between what is and what isn’t. I disappear during break time to walk alone. I feel I have the connection to being here… but as I said so in my previous post, I needed to touch the world.
What is my world??
Kirtan is the word of the day. Some of us planned to have a small one outside the open space, even sleep under the stars, but was flanked by showers and lightning. We had a short Kirtan in class and again, I enjoyed my swaying and forgot the tossing happening inside me.
There was a scheduled bigger Kirtan that evening in the Main Hall. I tossed at the thought of going. Why?? I don’t friggin know! But as I met my hippie friends on the trails, we decided to check it out.
By the second song, I was rooted to the very spot I have been standing. As I closed my eyes and began to sway, the tears flowed one more time. Almost incessantly. Two people came up to me with Kleenex. Really?! (Friggin go away!)
The second song by the Kirtaneer is Ra Ma Da Sa, a healing mantra. Irene Soléa broke my heart.
And it needed breaking. The world I needed to touch?? The world is my heart. I needed to touch my heart.
The wound is the place where light enters you ~ Rumi
I badly needed to rip off the shelters covering my heart, tear off the layers shielding my heart… yet, keeping the pain? Such irony! Here we are protecting ourselves from getting hurt when we have the pain inside to begin with…
Quotes from our class:
Tears are liquid sunshine. Let the song flow.
We all protect ourselves from the rain with an umbrella. Meditation is letting the rain fall on you.
Come next song, we all danced like crazed, possessed beings illuminated by the very light breaking from within… our very own expression and manifestation of releasing the hurts, of dancing in the rain…
Kirtan… it is not by coincidence that this form of worship falls in the same category as atmanivedanam (surrender) to Ishvara Pranidhana (devotion). It was the perfect moment to let go.