Remember the emphasis on the heart. The mind lives in doubt and the heart lives in trust. When you trust, suddenly you become centered. ~ Osho
It’s amazingly sweet how we receive epiphanies when we actually sit and be still.
Last Saturday was a day I allowed only for myself and my mat. From 8:30 am until 4:00 pm, I holed myself in our local studio, practiced for two heavenly classes and ended with a delicious workshop. To say I am fully limber and stretched is the least description; however tired from my full time job during the week, passing out on each yin pose during the workshop… something quite divine happened.
The first practice yielded to a bit of a struggle to shush my nagging ego-centered thoughts; diverting them instead to wonderful, warm thoughts. See, I do believe that it is quite ridiculous for me to empty my mind. I can, however, pile them distantly in a corner, choose a really pleasant thought… and like a disinfectant, clear away the pile of egos that will eventually result in my own decay.
I held on to that beautiful thought, envisioning it before my eyes, and feeling the love and warmth enveloping my heart.
But I keep losing myself not knowing how to be here, wherever here is. Too afraid to lose my balance, I tend to take a step back. I have always been a risk taker and spontaneously dipping my toes everywhere. Because it is fun. It is challenging. It is an adrenalin rush. All very external. There is an inner piece though that secluded itself for a very long time. And to keep it secured, I instinctively pull back – scared that upon its release, I’d fall again. And the balance gone. And I’d fade away. Blah blah blah…
The past weeks have been trying times. We’ve all had them in some form or another. But they were tests for myself to release my secluded inner piece. I banged my head on the wall the first few days. Some days, pulling my hair…
Then I go back to those wonderful, warm thoughts…
The wall disappeared. And my hair remained glorious.
Something has been growing with my inner piece. Like a kindred soul who holds my hand, with whom I feel myself smiling as I hold onto his hand… it wasn’t tightening or clinging at all, as I feared it would be… but the more I release what’s inside, the more expansive the growth is. Consuming, yet freeing… I find it odd to feel it. New, yet familiar. It is why I needed to pause… What is this amazing thing building in my heart??!
“(This is) trust”, a sweet voice said.
I am beginning to trust… I told myself. And repeated several times.
We all know trust. I know its definition. I know quotes about it.
But do I feel it? Do I actually have that feeling within my heart??
Trust flourishes like a potato plant, mostly underground. ~ Marge Piercy
I first laughed at this quote for its bluntness. But oh, so true.
This trust… is still growing. Happily growing, may I add. Come sunshine, rain, or snow. It is the seed of my inner peace. The very thing that scared me, is the very thing I need. The irony of an epiphany. The irony keeps my balance; it keeps me centered.