You surrender to a lot of things which are not worthy of you. I wish you would surrender to your radiance… your integrity… your beautiful human grace. ~ Yogi Bhajan
I used to not understand how to practice by myself at home, or anywhere for that matter. I started with DVDs and end up falling on my face for the most part, and ridiculously laughing at my klutziness.
I veered towards yoga classes, with an instructor offering repetitive cues to get into a pose, go deeper, and safely get out of the pose. But without such guidance, I’m all crooked by myself. Cues seem to be a haze and only an image memory of my instructors serve to bring slight justice to my own contortions.
Then I started falling in love with yoga. I believe it may have been love at first sight… yet my own insecurities shied me away until my own sense of passion nudged me incessantly… and I wanted more. So began the calling, and I trained. And trained. And trained. All yoga teacher-trainees can attest that it is gruelling, an intensity so demanding that you’re only option is to… surrender.
And surrender I did, yet not quite easily. Personal issues seem to test the very intention you hold within.
But at the end of the month-long training, it simply magnified that same intention because of what you are able to go through – training, and life itself. And you smile your most sweetest and wicked smile. Hello, yoga world… I’m ready for ya!
I still didn’t get it (self-practice). Perhaps I have been too focussed on how to teach and what to teach that I couldn’t find my own self, practicing by myself. I can not even meditate for 2 minutes! Through the months, I developed a technical attitude towards yoga: watch numerous yoga teachers, memorize their sequences, try their meditative techniques, idolize their styles. And through these months, I kept losing and losing myself. Truth be told, the smile weakened and faded. How ya doin’, yoga world?
Nothing worthy can ever be served straightforward. It can stare us right at our faces; but because we have developed numerous eye patches in our lives, we don’t always see. Our ears are plugged and we failed to listen. We unconsciously parade in a Mardi Gras that we don’t even feel our own skin.
Until the Universe tilts and a shift takes place. Until it begins to manifest outwardly. Physical tightness and tension seem to be your buddies lately. Whatever we hold back emotionally, spiritually, and mentally?? They are stored in our bodies. Where else can they go when not addressed?
My own physical injuries led me to this road. I have to feel the pain for me to actually get to know my body, to finally realize my head is attached to something, and it is all of me harmonizing together in my own rhythm. It was another calling, a calling you can not deny but heed. It is an internal scream dying to be noticed… before it completely weakens and fades. Nearing the twilight of my one year after teacher-training, I have finally understood.
I began practicing by myself to what my body wants and needs. I began to see my body to what it can do, listen to my own ooohs and grunts, and feel the very muscles tight as a boxer’s fist, release in euphoric grace.
I began engaging myself with my own self.
I began teaching my self-practice to the class, sharing what I have filled myself with, adding some of their requests, spicing it up with a little of my own creative madness…
And I have fallen in love deeply with my self-practice. I have gloriously been loving my meditation. With a smile even!!
Yoga practice is never about what others can do. It is never about how long it takes to do crow pose. It is never about building a work-out sequence.
Yoga practice is about what you put into it. What are you investing in this moment you allow for yourself?
My yoga practice, metaphorically, my love and my life?
It is all about my sweet surrender to myself.