I have been thinking about hurts when I taught the class today. Even when I interchange the words – tightness, stress, tension, kinks, knots, rigidness, constriction… in my heart I meant to say hurts. Not the physical pain from overexerting or overdoing stuff; but the aching pinch that grips our souls and often strangles our very breath. Why I didn’t use the word ‘hurt’, I don’t know. Perhaps, after an engaging conversation with a friend, I felt it too personal to share my own safe bubble. The fear again where I might loose my bearings and the bubble pops.
Yet in the hips-series sequence we did today, there was a release of comprehension and understanding I have failed to see before. Whether I have been storing it in my hips or in my heart… shelved to the corners of my core, bearing cobwebs even, I’m not certain.
For sometime now, I have slowly created space within me to allow balance carry me each day. My mat, wherever it may lay, is where I can create a stronger steadiness, a relieving calmness. It is the first instinct I’d have when my soul gets seized by panic and confusion. It is the only place I own, unfazed, non-judging, where my thoughts can either stay silent as a grave or flow through like a river. I have ceased to force myself in pushing my thoughts away from my mat… because they don’t really leave. I haven’t reached that certain level yet. But I can either freeze them where they are or bounce with them as they dance about. Non progressing. Not escalating.
So what happens when I can not run to my mat and I’m tethering the edge…??
And this is the release I fumbled upon when I taught the class today.
There are conditions I’ve set with myself, and how I relate to people. And yes, even conditions I’ve placed on people, and how they should relate to me. The hurt has been overwhelming and I tend to step back, or worse, push people away. When they are not too close, then I am safe, no? See the fence I have built. Without my mat, only wave at me from the other side of the fence. Got that??
Where does this lead me?
The release asks of me to listen to it.
Take the risk, it says.
And the release tells me more…