For the past weeks, I’ve been whining almost endlessly here, quietly in the real world, how I feel to be losing something inside me, within me. I struggled for days and nights, affecting my sleep, my work, my practice, my meditation, and eventually, my teaching. I have misplaced my mojo.
I can not come up with a word to define what it is, other than that. My mojo. To define mojo is to speak of charm, almost like a magic spell, causing a magnetism attracting like to like. Law of Attraction in a sense. It is not simply living things being drawn to me, or some other cosmic path, or even hopes and dreams; but it is a reciprocal relationship with everything surrounding me.
It slowly faded without me realizing the first signs. Either I failed to realize or perhaps, chosen to ignore. I believed it to be the latter. There are of course the reasons… but when I took time to sit and ponder about it… really…?? These reasons, they have always been with me all along:
* Stress from work, like who doesn’t relate to this?
* Family issues, whether you have a family or not, it’s the same boat, just different waves.
* Goals, that we each have, and it is really up to us how we tackle them – to linger or not.
* Health concerns that usually originates from the prevailing issues anyway.
* Heartaches, as if I’m the only person dealing with this??! C’mon…!
And possibly a lot more reasons out there, in me. While they remain as excess baggage, they have become lighter since practicing yoga. I know that to drop them is mere ignorance to the fact that I haven’t dealt with them. And I understand that to finally let go of such weight would take time, as long as I continuously work with them, and not against them.
So what in heaven’s name is the cause of my mojo fading? =/
The local studio I teach has gone through a drastic change. New ownership. A lot of the yogis have asked me how it has affected the studio, the other practitioners, and even me. For the longest time, I have always replied that it has not affected me, that it is… “practice as usual”.
It was a lie.
It was a big goddam fat lie that I was even denying to myself. It has affected me. It has affected my practice. And it has transcended into my teaching.
I became afraid. Afraid that we will have lesser people come to our classes. Afraid that people’s personal principles would shy them away from the studio. Afraid that what we offer now may not be acceptable to them.
And so I gave what they want. Or what they think they want. Or even what I think they think they want.
“I need to lose weight”.
“I have belly issues”.
“I want to sweat more”.
I gave them all that. My sequences targeted their whines and whimpers. Afraid that IF I don’t give in, they would leave. My sequences became a work-out. Fast. Vigorous. Hyper. Lots of sweat and panting. I taught with my mind in control, shedding fear into my heart, withering my soul. The fun dimmed from my classes like a cloud hazing my perception, hushing my inner voice. It drained me each day. And I felt the exhaustion physically, and worse, soulfully. The one thing I am deeply passionate about transformed into a workload. The load weakened my wings to soar. And it was I who added that extra baggage, that extra piece who isn’t me. I created a version of myself bearing no heart at all. There wasn’t any truth in it. It was a facade, a mask, solely made of fear. To please people.
Today’s morning class was an admission. I confessed to them my a-ha moment and how it led to that. I apologized for my shortcomings… and for leading their practice into my insane weaknesses. And while insanity and weakness are acceptable (and most often fun), being human and all, a combination can be lethal. And I almost killed my mojo… and dragged them along with it.
I am thankful for this blogsite. I was able to write what I wrote about my yoga teachings. InspirtedYoga™ and to reread it again.
I am thankful for the comments then, and the comments after today’s class. Without, I would not be enlightened. And more importantly, joyful at this moment.
Yoga is never a work-out.
Yoga is an experience, a sustaining lifestyle.
One I am exponentially sharing with my heart.
And within my class, I promise you…
We will have an inspirited practice together.
And when I fade again, come whack me. Whack some senses out of me… that I may peel off whatever layers of baggage I don’t really need. Letting go is a painful art… but when done with grace and humility, the mojo is damn sparkling.