Because I am stuck in a rut (still) with Les Miserables…
Because I am losing my focus…
Because I am trying too hard to listen to the sound of the Universe.
Perhaps it is better to admit,
Perhaps it is wise to accept,
Perhaps it is what it is.
I am stuck.
I am lost.
I am trying too hard.
Meditation has been hazy lately. My thoughts drift to chaos. And I feel defeated and withdrawn. It is not even supposed to be a struggle; yet I battle with it. The one place to feel calm and at peace… and here I am scrambling to reach it.
I do believe however, that a reason lays somewhere.
I trust there is a purpose to this madness.
I know that this is a test…
one I fail too often
reminding me that I have a lot to learn
that the strength to endure lays in the strength of my heart.
Is it strength?
Or is it blindness?
Here I doubt again as the haze remains while I sit still. The silence can be deafening. I beg for peace…
But it doesn’t work that way.
You don’t beg for it.
I came across a blog today, Hold Om by Cultfit and there I was, sitting and I simply stared reading, my mouth hanging open. I was jolted. I gripped my phone to the very words I needed to hear/see. The funny thing is, I know this. We all do; yet we hang on to the roots of our misery, our own chaos, hoping it will mystically change for the better. And while hopes are not for mere dreamers alone, nothing is gained when all we do is hope, without really doing anything about it. And Cultfit’s message made it so simple to know what to do.
Two steps forward;
One step back.
I’ve come accustomed to the rush of how my whole practice, my path, is progressing, that when it needed to… “chill”, because it simply needed to, because that is how it is in the wheel of life, I was confused, surprised of something unexpected. Call it the ego. Oh yes… it is the ego all right, come to think of it. I can not forgive myself for ‘chilling out’.
And the magic of Cultfit’s words resonated with the beating of my heart. There is nothing wrong with how my meditation is, in Cult’s words, progressing… it is how it needs to be right now, to allow the other ‘stuff’ to enter my life as I ‘chill’. It is the Universe’ way of doing me a favour. I am grateful.
Two steps forward. Trust the process.
And take one step back.
On my Om.